latest blog entry:
commitment issues
11.14.22
I've made many commitments with my daughters over the years. Sometimes I have a really hard time deciding whether to stick with the commitment or try to wiggle out of it.
cheerleading
When one of my girls was really small, she desperately wanted to join the town cheerleading team. It was, from what I remember, extremely expensive, and the whole cost had to be paid up front. At the time I was newly divorced. It was my mom, who had been helping out, who brought her to the 1st practice. Mom came home and said my kid had been completely miserable the entire time, and that I couldn’t make her go back. Long story short, my kid kept the personalized jacket that couldn’t be returned. Other than that, they did give us our money back.
sleepaway camp
Another example is a sleepaway camp that my other daughter had been desperately sure she wanted to go to. The camp filled up really quickly, so I had to sign up as soon as they opened the slots. I double checked with her. She swore up and down that she wanted to go. And so I paid the exorbitant fee to reserve her slot as soon as sign-ups opened. Of course, not long after that, kiddo decides no, she will be desperately unhappy if she has to go to this camp. I wrote an email to the camp explaining everything, and luckily for me, they refunded the money.
guinea pigs
In these two examples I was just trying to get the money back for something my kid changed her mind about. We've currently got 2 other situations that are a bit more complicated. One is that they own 2 guinea pigs. They always talk about wanting pets, but of course, who wants to do the dirty work of taking care of the pets? The girls are supposed to take turns cleaning out their cage every night, because these little guys are poop machines.
changing priorities
It’s very difficult, especially as the girls get older. Their lives are super busy, sometimes they’re not coming home from after school activities until 9 or 10 at night. Then there is still homework that needs to be done and showers to be taken. It's definitely not fun to take care of the guinea pigs, especially when they're not overly affectionate. They'll tolerate you petting them & holding them if you’re feeding them at the same time; but other than that, they’d much rather be back in their cage and have you leave them alone. Of course it’s a vicious cycle. The less you socialize with the pigs, the less comfortable they are the next time you want to socialize with them.
exit plan
The other problem is that guinea pigs always need at least 1 other pig to live with, otherwise they’re terribly lonely. The problem is, the pigs never seem to expire at the same time, so we don’t really have an exit plan for the situation. I’ve thought about potentially trying to re-home the last pig when we have only one. In the meantime, I ask myself, what is the lesson that I want my kids to come away with? How do I want to use this experience to help form them into the people I want them to be? In this case, I really don’t want to try to re-home the pigs. They are living things that are depending upon the girls. The girls actually signed a contract promising that they would take care of them.
convenience has nothing to do with it
I want them to understand that, when you make a commitment, your word needs to be good. You can’t just decide that it’s become inconvenient to keep your promise. That is not the kind of people I want them to be. I’ve tried pretty hard to live up to my commitments and follow through with my promises. That’s a value that I hold extremely dear. But then I think, my goodness, these pigs are not leading that great of a life. They have a large cage that gets cleaned very frequently, and they eat a ton of fresh vegetables. But what kind of life is that, living in our basement, not getting any stimulation or enrichment? So, I was thinking maybe they’d be happier living somewhere else. But that’s not the solution. Our family made a commitment to these animals, so it’s our job to give them more stimulation. I’m going to commit to encouraging the girls to interact with them substantially each week. And I’m going to join them – I think it will be fun for all of us!
what is up to me?
The last situation is more complicated, but similar. It involves a large sum of money and a group of people who are depending upon my kid. She’s made a promise and needs to see her commitment through to its end in a few months. It’s a bummer that she isn’t happy; but I believe that who you are is revealed by your day-to-day choices. As my brother always says, what is in my control? What can I change, and what can’t I change? It’s the old serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
role modeling
In this case she’s got to look at the situation and say, hey, I made a commitment, and this is the situation. The things she CAN control are found in Molly Fletcher’s list: being on time, having a good work ethic, treating others with respect, etc. And that’s true for me too. I can’t say that I’ve had the best attitude about it. It’s hard to listen to your kid complain, especially when it’s something you’ve spent a lot of money on. But what’s done is done. We’ve made our commitment, and I think the really important thing is, what lesson are we going to learn from these experiences?
ambivalence
Hidden Brain recently produced an interview titled “The Benefits of Mixed Emotions.” I was fascinated by the idea that ambivalence can be a great strength. When I get excited about something or think I really want something, it’s easy to look only at the characteristics of the situation that support my idea of it. I focus on the good aspects, and I tend to discard, dismiss, or just not focus on the things that seem to be against what I want to do. There may be a sneaking little idea in the back of my head telling me reasons this may not be enjoyable or may not be the best decision for me or my family. But I lean away from those things, gloss over them, or minimize their importance.
before promising
The lesson is that I need to think more deeply and with more ambivalence about big decisions before I make them. Make a list or pros and cons. Say, these are all the great things, but truly and honestly, here are the things that are not so great. Then I need to ask myself, does this balance out in a way that the pros outweigh the cons? Can I LIVE with the cons, or are they going to make me so miserable that it’s just not worth the pros? I need to be really honest with myself about the full weight and significance of the decision I'm about to make. Once I make a promise, there’s no going back.
about me
I'm the mom of two kind and talented teenage girls, and I'm deliriously happily married.
I'm a small business owner, and Ballroom dancer/teacher/choreographer.
I want to learn from everyone and everything. To be a steward of the gifts of my mind, body and spirit.
To live out my philosophy of constantly improving myself and my life.
To implement the newest research findings to discover the mysteries in the physical world and inside of myself.
To appreciate what I have and who I am.
To experience deep contentment even as I strive for new goals.
maria huard
welcome
I'll be turning 46 in just over a month. Then I'll be headed in for my 2nd surgery in 3 months, maybe looking at a 3rd. Time to learn what life is trying to teach me. Lessons and teachers are everywhere I look. I want to stop and examine them, really listen to them, and implement them. If you found this page, either you are here to teach me, or I am here to teach you - probably both. Please take a look, and then tell me whatever you feel impelled to say!
Maria T. Huard
